Archive for April 21st, 2012

Rep. Bob Duchesne (D-Hudson) Speech: On & On Anon

Posted on April 21, 2012. Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: |

Thank you, Mr. Speaker. Men & Women of the House.

If this is the short session, why does it seem so long? For once, it is not the fault of Meredith Strang Burgess. She had laryngitis midsession. No, the fault lies within the rest of this body, and it is time to name names: this year’s inductees into On & On Anon.

I may offend some people. I didn’t get into politics to be popular. So far that’s working. As I offered to do a week ago, I did exclude three members of this body who wished to be omitted from award consideration. I won’t reveal who they were. But if there are any glaring omissions, I can’t prevent the body from speculating.

I’m not as prepared this year. I may stumble around incoherently, forgetting my point…sorta like a Gary Knight speech.

Well, in the context of people who talk On & On, you know sooner or later Brad Moulton’s name will come up, so let’s get that out of the way right now.

I am saddened that this duty falls to me, but I am not embarrassed. Embarrassed is when you don’t realize your wife is talking to her entire family on Skype…and you walk into the room naked. The holidays are going to be really different this year.

I can’t promise this will be pretty. I have stopped fighting my inner demons. We’re on the same side now.
Mr. Speaker, I don’t write jokes. I just observe what I see and report the facts.

For instance, today was the LAST day I follow Stacy Fitts’ light.

You can see a lot from the back row. On the gaming bill, you could tell that Beth O’Connor wanted to speak in the worst way. And she did.

I would like to say how much I enjoyed Seth Berry singing the National Anthem because, for once, you knew ahead of time when he was going to finish. Although there are four verses; if there was ever anyone who might sing them all…

Some of you know the secret on how to craft a short, effective speech. For the love of God, please give that secret to Mike Carey.

What is so hard about writing a short speech? If 140 characters is good enough for Twitter it should be good enough for Anna Blodgett.

The House worked on a very tight budget this session. Some of the cuts were so deep, we no longer record and transcribe our history. We just have Lance Harvell remember it.

This was funny: when Lance started to speak on the Judicial Deference bill and then sat down, he proved that the only person who can shut up Lance Harvell…is Lance Harvell.

Lance did manage to leave Diane Russell speechless once this session. Teach me that power, Obi-Wan.

I’ m against the influence of money in politics. On the other hand, I think we would all join…in paying David Webster to sit down.

Ladies & Gentlemen of the House, there are so many things we agree on:

Les Fossel isn’t as funny as he thinks he is.

Wayne Parry’s tax speech was as loud as a Jeff McCabe shirt.

A speech by Andrea Boland lasts longer…than a Kim Kardashian marriage.

We agree that term limits are a good thing if they get rid of both Bob Duchesne and Jonathan McKane. That’s a win-win. But the House will lose some good people, too. Democrats will lose George Hogan. Republicans will lose Steve Hanley.

I’m sorry to see Jim Hamper termed out. It’s been great to serve with him on Natural Resources and I only regret that he never got a chance to chair the committee.

I regret that Paul Waterhouse is leaving the body this year. I would have preferred last year.

I’ve learned a lot from my fellow legislators:

From Louis Lucchini, I’ve learned that facing your fears makes you stronger…but running from them makes you faster.

From Ralph Sarty, I’ve learned that if you want the chamber to be full when you make your floor speech, speak before he does.

From Pat Flood, I’ve learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

From Annie Graham I’ve learned that silence is golden, but duct tape is silver and maybe that would work.

I’ve learned that 63.4% of the time, Kerri Prescott is misusing statistics.

From Dana Dow, I learned how to get the last word in any debate. You just use up all the words so there are none left for anybody else.

From Andre Cushing, I’ve learned that there is an upper limit on what we humans can understand, but no lower limit.

I do have to say in his defense, the average IQ of the debate does NOT go down 20 points every time Chuck Kruger rises. It just seems that way.

I don’t have a joke for Alan Casavant this year. But he can’t hear me back here. Could his seatmates just lean in and tell him that I insulted him so that he won’t feel left out?

Dean Cray got a smart phone. It hasn’t helped.

Now, Paul Davis said something interesting the other day. Boy, was I surprised.

I don’t know if Jim Parker’s last argument was circular but I couldn’t find a point.

Irony is Kim Rosen as speaker pro temp – a Speaker who has never spoken.

My thanks to Windoll Weaver, Ryan Harmon, and Don Pilon for finally straightening out the Wood Pellet bill… after multiple reports, multiple amendments, multiple committees of conference. I would have just sent it to appellate court.

Mr. Speaker, we could speed this up. I have a suggestion. The next time you look down and see that Walter Kumiega, Doug Damon, Rob Hunt, and Justin Timberlake have pushed their buttons to speak, recognize them all together. Let them speak simultaneously. We’re not listening anyway. Look at the time we’ll save.

Sometimes it’s just painful. Listening to Melissa Walsh Innes is like hearing the Speaker pronounce foreign names.

Maybe we should be like the Academy Awards. If Maeghan Maloney speaks too long, music starts playing.
Or basketball. If Sharon Treat is still talking at the end of 24 seconds, a horn goes off and the other side gets the ball.

I can explain Jon Hinck. He’s a lawyer. Lawyers think a 17 page document is a brief. Calling a lawyer brief is like calling Fox News… news.

Jane Eberle is so slim, where does she store all those words when they aren’t being used?

Brian Bolduc’s record is intact. He got a unanimous Ought-Not-To-Pass… on a sentiment.

Beth Turner put in a sentiment for a winning basketball team that didn’t win.

Helen Rankin is 80 years old. She was only 77 when Tim Driscoll started his last speech. We won’t know if Helen is the oldest member in the House until we have Dick Wagner carbon-dated.

Howard McFadden proves that old politicians never die. They’re just indefinitely postponed.

I am a registered organ donor. Someday I will give up a vital organ to save a life. And every time Cheryl Briggs rises to speak on a sentiment, I think, “Why wait?”

We waste so much time waiting for the other body to stop talking. Imagine how much worse it is going to be if Gary Plummer gets down there.

The race I’m looking forward to is Emily Cain for Senate. Who can go negative against her? It’s like whacking a cheerleader.

Men & women of the House, I hope you enjoy these waning moments of the 125th Legislature. So many of us won’t be returning… because we are termed out, because we’ve decided not to run again… because we are Ben Chipman.

Mr. Speaker, I’m nearly finished my remarks, but I doubt it’s the end. John Martin is working on an amendment.

I am about to get a standing ovation. Frankly, I won’t know if it’s because you enjoyed my last speech…or because it IS my last speech.

Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )

Liked it here?
Why not try sites on the blogroll...

%d bloggers like this: